As I mentioned in my 51 Things, I’ve been eating disordered for a good chunk of my life. A few days ago, I had an amazing soul therapy session with Megan Gala from The Love More Project. My questions for Megan revolved around my eating issues. I likened it to a knot inside me that several other issues were tangled around. We discussed several things during the session which were very helpful and healing.
At the end, Megan encouraged me to document my journey with healing my eating issues through blogging. It’s a scary thing to do this because when it comes down to it, it’s bare naked writing. That’s enough to scare most people, myself included. But I want to heal, and I’m committed to healing, and so . . . here goes . . .
This is something I wrote in November 2009 but never finished. It’s a good starting point:
Turning 50 isn’t the end of the world. My 50th passed without skipping a beat, no big deal. I didn’t sprout a bunch of chin hairs or wake up with silver streaks in my hair. I didn’t look like the crypt keeper either. My health issues aren’t a result of turning 50 but of 6 years of poor self-care. I seem to have hit a mind body disconnect at a time in my life when my mind and body truly need to be in sync. How does someone used to exercising six times a week and eating healthfully get to be 30 lbs overweight with frequent heart palpitations and fears of heart attack just by walking up the stairs? Why had I fallen so far and could I get up again and feel healthy?
Sure, you betcha. It’s not Mt. Everest I’m attempting to climb, and as my 20-year-old reminds me, I KNOW what to do. I just need to do it, but that felt so hard.
When I was a fitness fanatic, it was all about how I looked. And that was motivation enough.
When I began having stress injuries, chronic back pain, and wheezing, I had to slow down. It should have been a time for quality self-care by eating healthfully, resting, and working on that mind body connection. Instead, sick of the obsession (and it was truly an obsession), I threw in the towel, ate everything and anything burying the stress and pain. My physical pain did decrease but the wheezing was worse.
I was eventually diagnosed with asthma and put on medication. A month later, I was hospitalized with pancreatitis and a gallbladder infection. I had a near death experience, my gallbladder was removed five days later, and the complications kept me nearly bedridden for a month. I lost 20 lbs during this time, not intentionally. It was not my finest hour.
Since then, I’ve put the weight back on and then some. My exercise has been hit and miss but rarely consistent. My body CRAVES movement but I sit in front of a computer all day for work, too mentally exhausted for exercise or planning healthy meals. That’s the excuse anyway – and it’s truly just an excuse. I have many of them!
That was written ten months ago and little has changed except that my stomach is bothering me nearly every day now—hence my session with Megan. What I need to do is:
1) Take baby steps
2) Write new rules for myself – the old ones do not serve me well such as I’m too lazy to do this
3) Ask for help and support
4) Allow myself to be nourished both physically and emotionally
My goal is HEALTH. If I never lose a pound but I reach a place of feeling energetic and healthy, I will be satisfied! I will not be counting calories, fat grams or anything else including exercise sessions. I must start from a place of compassion. Instead of saying I’m too lazy to do this, my new rule (and intention) is:
I can and will nourish my body. When I nourish my body, I nourish my soul, mental health and whole life, and I open myself up to abundance.
Each night when I go to bed, I will celebrate the ways I nourished myself. Maybe the only thing I’ll have to celebrate on some days is drinking a glass of water. Maybe I’ll have lots of baby steps to celebrate. Either way, it’s a celebration, not a judgment.
I plan to document my journey in this blog. If you’re in a similar place, I’d love to hear from you. If you’d just like to celebrate my baby steps along the way, THANK YOU. I will need your support.