It’s been nearly four months since I’ve gotten sick. I am much better than I was two months ago but this is one of those days where the brain fog is thick and everything I eat makes me sick. EVERYTHING. I am tired and so frustrated. Life would be easier if I never had to eat.
It’s so easy to fall into a pit of despair on days like this, when I wonder if I’ll ever be able to function normally again. Is my brain forever compromised by the summer of medication, painkillers, and anesthesia? I get cranky that my coping method of comfort food is gone (and it’s a blessing that that coping method is gone but it still makes me C R A N K Y !!!).
And then I wonder . . . can I get curious enough to figure out a plan for days like this? I’m a creative grief coach; it’s time to get creative! Can I don my lab coat and just notice without judgment (as Janice Lynne Lundy so wisely advises)? Yes, well, let’s start with the fact I’m not a bad person for feeling frustrated and whiny over this situation.
I took my new J.K. Rowling novel out to my deck and sat in the sunshine – those last few rays of summer. But my brain is too foggy to read. It’s making me more nauseated and the construction noise is distracting. What can I do in this moment that would make me feel better – another wonderful question Jennifer Louden suggests.
So I took a shower and rubbed lotion on my very dry legs. That felt so nice. I stepped onto my yoga mat, but I knew a lot of movement would not be good for the nausea. I sat down on the mat and breathed deeply. Eric Klein’s removing obstacles MantraWave flowed into my brain and I breathed . . . coughed (asthma seems to be cranky today too) . . . breathed . . . coughed . . . relaxed . . . breathed . . . breathed . . . breathed . . .
Meeting myself on the mat, right where I’m at, without judgment . . . that’s loving-kindness. And I’m okay. Right here in this moment.
I won’t think about the next moment or the one after that. I won’t think about my filthy house which hasn’t been cleaned since I got sick. I won’t think about the massive to-do list that is crushing me. I won’t think about our shaky financial status. I won’t think about how I’ve failed my business. I. won’t. think.
Breathe . . .